There have been many changes in my life this year-- both external and internal. "They" say change is good when it equals growth.....

Last year at his time I was the furthest thing from independent as someone could be... sleeping on someone's couch- no car, no cash, working a temp job, and dysfunctionally attatched to someone who I relied on to meet whatever deficiencies that I contained.

Haven't written new songs since "Over" and "Stampede" ...which although were never performed live, were recorded in Boston last year. Now I have my own home, car, phone and job.... broke off my relationship (for the 3rd time)--
interesting how scary it is to be mentally/emotionally controlled by someone else.
it feels good and right and quite honestly a relief to be single, although there were plenty of wonderful things about it and "us", despite the incedents that wore down my abliity to trust and rely on that individual...

There is a bigger working of God and Good, (one in the same, I suppose), that me and my mother and father have all begun seeking growth and healing and understanding of ourselves all at the same time... and separately...

Upon my trip to Nashville on 11/30/03 to play the Bluebird Cafe for the 3rd time, I had a conversation with my Aunt Rebecca that, upon the return to Dallas where folks would ask how the show went and answering with a destracted "Oh ...It was fine," I realized it had effected me so deeply that it made the gig seem incedental compared to the psycho-therapy I had with her during the 3 days of fireside late-night chick talks. If the weekend had been themed, it would have been "Chaos" vs. "Conflict" or "Conflict Without Chaos."

I realized there, and understood "co-dependency" in a new light -- my stress level and chaos callousses were because I didn't know I could love family/friends/lovers without taking on all their personal problems-- issues, pain... you multiply that exponentially from all the people I know and interact with on a daily/weekly basis, and the response/outcome is, "WELL NO WONDER you've been so stressed / tired / overwhelmed!!"

I feel as though, that weekend in Nashville, the burden that I have carried for so very, very long was lifted--
I feel so free from mentally/emotionally carrying all those that I love...
(as if my own issues aren't enough to carry!!)
I have been DIFFERENT this month. Much calmer. As I can truly listen to my loved one's discuss whatever is on their mind, and reply with a simple, " I love you. I bless you. Let me know if there's anything I can do," and then just walk away from it-- sympathetic without letting it weigh me down. I think one of the major keys to unlocking this for me was the suggestion that-- in order for me to truly love, I must TRUST and BELIEVE IN those people to grow and learn on their OWN PATH, in their own time--
that trying to "FIX" everybody is inevitably sending them a message that I don't trust that they are CAPABLE of handling it themselves.

My only true responsibility is to SELF-CARE:

A) take care of and understand my own emotions, and
B) set boundaries with those relationships which have proven to be toxic, and
C) allow the "NATURAL ORDER OF CONSEQUENCES" to happen.

Although (C) may be permanent, it may also be temporary.
My responsibility, when taking it further, is to NOT expect my standards and boundaries to be met from anyone, when they are not aware of what those boundaries are. I MUST be able to point out things as they happen, and tell them how it makes me feel, then let the consequence happen.
it then breaks the cycle of frustration, anger, and silence, and becomes an excercize for maintaining a healthy interaction. Eventually, depending on how honest they are with themselves about the information given, they will learn what hurts me the most. I believe with all my heart and soul that, as they have good intentions toward me, the logical conclusion is, as it becomes clear to them what hurts me and what doesn't, they will avoid the things that are extremely upsetting to me...

The band is in Massachusettes this weekend. Dad and i came up to see the Shea family, and Miguel decided to join us (Pete lives here) as we booked a show in Rhode Island for Saturday night... what the real KICKER is}}} is that Jace wasn't coming up and that made me bummed especially cuz we tracked 2 new tunes in the studio here... anyways, Pete went to pick up Miguel at the airport and left me setting up studio doing pre-production stuff. When they got back there, Miguel and Pete come into studio and say, "We have a surprise in the car..." as I walk out to the band van, there stands Jace-- I squealed and cried and then almost hyper-ventilated and then was just SPEECHLESS. turns out, everybody in the crew and family knew about it the whole last month... man, did they all ever play this one off!! I think it was the BEST SURPRISE EVER!! we had a great studio day and show night-- played to a full house that was there for us.. in RHODE-FREAKING-ISLAND for god's sake!! wow. it was so very, very, cool...

have you ever been completely and totally impassioned? yeah, me too.

What else? oh yeah. i am 5 months and 16 days away from my 29th birthday. Weird! I have always said that I would give the "music thing" 10 solid years of my life. Till i was 30. Then I'd pursue a different career-- it's strange though, as i actually am a lot closer to the "DEADLINE" (than I can really even fathom, actually), it's made me really start trying to define my own idea of "Success" more CLEARLY and REALISTICALLY...
although I still would love to be wildly rich (as to have bigger toys, better vacations, and the ablilty to give to those in need) I have started to come to grips with the things I HAVE accomplished and learned... I think that "Phoenix" is the BOMB of an ALBUM... so does my community (nominated by the biggest rock radio station in dallas for "Best Alt Rock Album, Best Alt Rock Band, and Best Female Vocals" for 2003, and being put as #14 on Buddy Magzine's top 25 albums released by Tx artists in 2003-- others on the list were Lyle Lovett, George Jones, Edie Brickell, and Erykah Badu). WHAT A GREAT HONOR! So-- if the last 7 years of my life have been a college of sorts, I can truly hold it with an (almost all the way) open hand as I understand I have done a kick-ass "senior project" and can graduate with many honors...

It's hard to imagine having a major career-change and life focus, but it sure would be interesting to see how I'd break away from this life and watching how it would turn out (how miserable i would be) after that!! {{Maybe i can just apply for a 3 year extension on the deadline??}}
I still have a very love/hate relationship with: (1) the music BUSINESS , (2) the lofty goal of having the world as my playground, (3) the idea of leaving it all, and (4) the idea of continuing to truly pursue it, knowing that i will be swimming upstream for NOTHING if it is not in my PRE-DESTINY...

There are so many things that I have lived through in the last 10 years that have affected me in ways that I probably still don't understand. The thing is, though, looking back from this angle 10 years later, my entire life came into focus that open-mic night at club dada, for whatever my motivation was for being there. And here as I sit with my pen, (having written for so long tonight that I have a dent in my right middle finger), I realize that-- well-- seems like the more I process all these thoughts, the more I end up just throwing my defeated arms in the air with a swift and severe northern roll of the eyes and internally hearing the resounding and ever-recurring answer and conclusion in my head as it stares me boldly in the face:
I JUST.... DON'T... KNOW....
(sunlight is here... time to sleep!!!)

WE CAN'T CONTROL WHO WE LOVE...OR WHEN... Only what we do with it...

Providence has given us all a gift. One that comes once a year to remind us that everyday is a new day, and that all of our shortcomings can dissolved...one that reminds us that we are here to grow...the purpose...to continue building on the foundations that we call "past"...to look forward with great hope and anticipation to the things we strive for, and put everything else behind us... not just put away--like the way we fold our no longer needed winter clothes in the bottom drawer of the dresser-- but more like the way a fisherman casts his line into the deepest sea, only to have it break off and be gone forever--

I am grateful today for every January 1st that comes around. I am ready to take this fresh calendar and graffiti things in it that will represent new memories-- ones that will remind me that life indeed is a gift...to be lived and experienced to the fullest-- but not without wisdom, caution and grace.